i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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