My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We got so high we made milksteak
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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