Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
