You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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