Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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