watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
if only i could text you this smell
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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