she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
