Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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