Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
