sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
false alarm, still single
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