Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
