Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
