They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
