you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
