I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize