moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
