omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
