I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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