Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
