I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
