All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
