just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I want her autograph on my taint
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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