so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
