Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
