well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
