At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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