we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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