I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
