doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize