I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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