someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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