we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
