I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
