he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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