Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
