she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
