her facebook's as public as her vagina
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
