My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
