After last night, I could never be a politician.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
