I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
not ubering you a puppy
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize