He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
