You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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