It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dick very happy bro
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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