genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
