so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
