I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
