I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize