You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
