32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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