Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
