i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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