is your mom at the bar?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
