Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
