I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
