I have demons in me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize