we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
