I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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