When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
