I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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