At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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