You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
